My journey to overcoming fear (of birth)

It’s hard to know where to start…

When I first found out I was expecting? After my first traumatic c-section? When I was expecting my second? But I think the narrative truly began as a child.

“She’s so little!” is what I heard my entire life. And it was true. I was disqualified from so much. “Can you please just let her ride?!” My mom begged the attendant who ran the swings at Cedar Point amusement park. I was too short for that ride and everything else that day on our family vacation. “Please! She’s nine years old” my mom felt so bad for me. She always fought for me. I tried out for various sports: basketball, volleyball, soccer, etc. Eventually, I stopped. After middle school there was no way I could keep up or have the same strength as my peers. I didn’t let that label totally stop me from doing things, but I realized I had to approach things from my own angle. And I usually knew it required a little extra umph on my part.

On another note, I was the third kid in my family and I remember nagging my parents to have more! I loved big families. I wanted to be in one and I wanted to have one someday too. But I would occasionally think about the difficulties that lie there. Could I deliver my own kids? Was my body too small? I couldn’t quite imagine.

Life didn’t take shape quite as I planned. In my own timeline I would have been married and had first kid by the time I was 25. But, 25 came and went and I met my husband at 29 and we got married at 30. Within four months we found out we were expecting. I was elated! Totally over the moon. I’ll never forget driving to work that morning and dreaming about how I’d tell my husband later that evening. I wept the whole way to work. This was the best news I had ever been given. My biggest dreams were coming true. Since I was 30, I really didn’t know what getting pregnant would look like. Would we struggle? So many of our friends were struggling to get pregnant so we didn’t take this for granted.





I started to face some of my fears as my delivery date drew near.

We took a birth class from some local doulas and we decided we really wanted to have an unmedicated, natural childbirth. I was excited to get into a midwifery practice that delivered in a hospital. It was the best of both worlds. I could have my baby as natural as possible but everything medically necessary was available if things went awry. I was starting to feel confident and I kept holding on to a saying that I’d heard from my sister’s midwife, “God doesn’t allow the fish to outgrow the fishbowl.”  I lived my life depending on God and I felt that I could trust this truth. Surely God wouldn’t give me a baby to big for my body to deliver. I was small and I married a smaller guy too. He’s a lot more average than I was, but he’s not a giant. So I felt good about that.

Finally, my day came and I woke up one morning with light contractions. I took a shower and I felt my water break. The contractions then came regularly. I labored for a short time at home but headed to the hospital at my doula’s recommendation. When we arrived at the hospital things had slowed down because of the odd position I was in during the car ride. My labor continued, but quite slowly. After about 12 hours, I was exhausted and elected to get an epidural hoping my body would relax enough to get baby down. Even with the epidural in place I couldn’t seem to get past 6cm and my labor stalled. At this point my water had been broken for 24 hours and my temperature was increasing. The doctor was concerned about infection setting in so we prepped for a c-section. I was happy to do whatever was best for baby at that point and we were elated to meet our baby girl shortly thereafter. She was perfect and we were overjoyed.

 

When we came home though, my recovery was dark.

It was wrought with hunger, nausea, sleep deprivation, and pain from the c-section. A severe lack of sleep from laboring so long without food and then a subsequent day without food because of the meds made for a very hard recovery. I had nightmares. And my milk didn’t come in for almost a week. My baby was hungry. I really wanted to nurse her, but I was severely struggling. We were feeding her at the breast with formula via a syringe and it was exhausting. It required 2-3 people for every feeding. All in all, it was a traumatic experience for me. My thoughts were dark and my dreams scared me. At one point I woke up after a terrifying dream and I knew I couldn’t face this alone. So I woke up my husband next to me and I asked him to pray over me to break this cycle of fear and dread. He did and the nightmares stopped. We believe in the power of prayer. We know God hears us and cares about us. There was another significant turning point in those days that changed my course. I was desperately trying to be the sole provider of my daughter’s nutrition but I was struggling to make the milk she needed. I was afraid to introduce the bottle with formula for fear that she’d lose interest in breastfeeding and that would be the end of our nursing journey. But I also was beginning to realize it was a catch 22. I desperately needed to sleep and eat if I wanted my body to produce milk, but I couldn’t get the sleep I needed to recover from surgery and days without sleep unless I relinquished my daughter to someone else. I clearly remember the moment I gave up and it felt like I had completely failed. I had been sitting at the dinner table with my mom and husband. I was so hungry, but also so nauseous I couldn’t eat. It was then that I handed them my daughter and said, “Someone else will have to feed her. I have to take care of myself if I’m going to be any good to her in the future.” And I went to lay down. But I was so overtired, I was restless in bed.

That’s when things changed.

As I laid in bed, I felt so strongly that I heard the Holy Spirit whisper to me,

“Melissa, do you trust me?”

And I thought, yes of course I do. But then I realized- I hadn’t been trusting God at all. I hadn’t asked him for help and I wasn’t willing up to that point to mentally trust my daughter’s future to my God in whom I trusted for everything else. I cried and repented for not trusting Him. Of course, this was the problem. I needed help. There was no way I could do this alone. And for the rest of her life I would need to “lay her down” in order to trust God for her future. I can’t always be there. But he can be. He’s God. He’s everywhere. He can be with her 24/7. This was what I needed. After crying and mentally giving my daughter over to the Lord in my heart - I finally slept peacefully and my trajectory changed from that point on. I left that dark place and began to heal physically and emotionally. God was good. He helped me out of that pit along with my sister, mom and husband. And I’m forever grateful.



My bright and beautiful girl turned 9 months old and we found out we were expecting baby #2! We were thrilled! I had always wanted my kids to grow up close in age. And these two would be 18 months apart. I debated a repeat c- section throughout the pregnancy because I heard elective repeat c-sections aren’t nearly as bad as being in labor for a long time and then having a c- section. However, I had a Doctor cheering me on and I felt confident that this birth could be different. A few days before going into labor I had this conversation with the Holy Spirit and I just wanted to know if I could birth a baby vaginally. And I felt strongly that he said yes. So, I confidently went into labor a few days later. My labor was going very well and I arrived at the hospital at five cm dilated. I quickly progressed to a seven, and I elected to get an epidural. The midwife on call said I looked great and I should tell her when I felt pressure because baby was coming! I couldn’t believe it. Is that it? Were we that close? I was ecstatic! Sadly, my epidural never took and my body didn’t relax. And I couldn’t move around. So, baby never descended into place. Hours later they said, “you’re not progressing and baby isn’t handling the contractions well anymore.” So, we prepped for a second c-section. I was very alert this time and I didn’t make some of the same mistakes I did the first time. I tried to drink everything the hospital gave me, I nursed as frequently as possible for my milk supply and I ate food as soon as they said I could. I recovered better and I was in better spirits. But my body ached. I couldn’t even roll over, let alone sit up on my own. The physical recovery from the c-section surgery was serious and frustrating. And spiritually, I went reeling a bit. “God, I thought you said I could deliver this baby? What happened? Why did you say that? Why am I here lying in this bed now unable to answer my baby’s cries?” I was frustrated. BUT, I knew that God was still good and He must have a plan. So I dug in deeper to the Bible and I asked my closest friends to pray with me as I wrestled with this place I was in. I truly sought the Lord more in that time. And I can’t say that I got any clear answers, but I rested in the fact that He was with me. I wasn’t alone and He hadn’t abandoned me. I knew I didn’t understand it all, but I chose to trust God had a bigger and better plan- and that I couldn’t see the full picture from where I was sitting. I also know that we don’t always get clear answers to things here on earth, but our longing for perfection is truly our deeper longing for God and our heavenly home where things will be perfect. No pain. No tears.

Following these two births, I was simply glad I had two beautiful daughters and that my body healed eventually. My friend Debbie reached out to me at one point and asked if I could encourage another momma who was scheduled to have a c-section. I cried and told her I didn’t feel like I had much to offer. Birth was still a pretty traumatic experience for me. And I wasn’t sure what to say. Certainly mommas should rely on God’s strength. But I realized I still had much to process in that regard since a quick mention of it brought me to tears. I did know one thing- I wanted to be there for those momma's afterwards. I liked helping people in need, but after my birth experiences, I really wanted to SHOW UP for my friends and even people I didn’t know after their births. I've tried to be there with meals, breastfeeding encouragement, every day encouragement, whatever was needed! I didn’t want people to feel alone or hopeless! And God grew my compassion for mommas in that space in a big way.

A while later my husband and I started trying to have our third. We didn’t get pregnant right away. I was really hoping we’d get to have a third. I grew up with three and I definitely didn’t want to be done at two. After a few months we found out we were expecting baby #3. I was so excited! I hadn’t really thought about where I would deliver a third baby because I figured I would just cross that bridge when we got there. Well, now the rubber met the road and I had to decide what to do. Would I try for a vbac again? My friend and doula, Karen, from my first birth recommended that I find a different OB practice that was considered more high risk. She encouraged me to simply look around. The practice I had been at was a low intervention place and they were not comfortable with risk. The Doctor who had cheered me on with my second baby delivered a hefty blow of a message to me on my six week postpartum visit. 

“Melissa, don’t ever try to have a vaginal birth again. You will just be doing your body a disservice. Your pelvis is too small to deliver a baby.” 

And she added, there’s only one practice in the area who would even consider allowing you to try- and that’s the University hospital. I knew she meant well, so I took her words to heart. But my friend Karen’s words also made sense to me. She said, “it’s a very rare occurrence in the medical field that you have too small a pelvis to deliver a baby.” She challenged that Doctor’s words: “did she truly check your pelvis for that?” I didn’t think she had- and she wasn’t the one in the delivery room when I had my second. So, I was mildly curious.

So, I went on a search. Not for a new OB per se. But just a second opinion. I prayed God would lead me to the right people. I wanted to find a high risk doctor that was vbac supportive just to get their expert opinion. Was my pelvis really too small? What had gone wrong in their estimation? I found one. But it wasn’t close. He was about 2 hours away. From the recommendations of many other moms who had been in my place, via Facebook, I found all kinds of recommendations and they all pointed to the same doctor. He had been practicing for a really long time (he was in his 80’s) and he was very comfortable with a high level of risk: vbac after multiple c sections, breech, multiples, etc. Then, as I searched his practice I stumbled upon the name of one of the midwives in his practice. I couldn’t believe it. I knew her! I had talked with her once about my first daughter's birth at her sister’s bridal shower. Her level of compassion blew me away and I remembered choking back tears at that party thinking, I wish this woman had delivered my baby.

Flash forward. I made an appointment at that practice to get their opinion. My husband came with me. I saw both the doctor and that midwife. Both were great! The doctor was real, honest, and compassionate too. He examined my pelvis and was surprisingly optimistic. He said, “your first two angles are great”- then he was quiet. He finished the exam and said, 

“it’s getting the baby into your pelvis that will be tough, but if you get the baby in there- you will deliver it.” 

So I asked what my odds were in his estimation of having a vbac. He said when you came in the door, I thought, 60% chance and after examining you, I’d say 50/50. I didn’t love those odds, but I guess it wasn’t out of the question. I asked him, what would you do? He said, I’d definitely try. He said that can’t hurt. Then I told him about my other two very long labors. He understood and with compassion in his eyes and an understanding, he said he wouldn’t let me labor on like that. “I’ll know if it’s going to work, and if it’s not- we’ll call it and get the c section.” I was really comforted by those words.

Then, I met with the midwife, Stephenia. She was awesome. She immediately wanted to dial into why I had made such a large baby for my body during my first pregnancy. So, she had me trying and changing all kinds of things that I had not done before. We learned that I was gestational diabetic with my third, so we managed that. (I had been checked with both of my first two pregnancies, but it wasn’t caught with the conventional glucose tests).

Bottom line. This pregnancy was different because the care I received was totally different. Thankfully, even though the OB practice was 2 hours away, I did most of my appointments remotely and it was such a blessing to not worry about carting my other two kiddos to a bunch of appointments! I continually thanked God for giving me favor through the kindness shown by Stephenia. I often wondered why I was so favored to be cared for in such a sweet way. Being able to text your midwife and get responses without going into an office was wonderful. I loved the personal care.

As the birth of our third came close my husband and I were at the beach enjoying some family time one evening.  We love the beach in the evenings when it’s not too hot and you don’t have to worry about sunscreen, shade, hats, etc. Anyways, here we were enjoying some time and my husband was encouraging me to actually swim, but I was a little nervous. The waves that evening weren’t smooth and with the tide the way it was, the waves were crashing into shore. But I tried to get past my concerns and I went in. My husband is a great swimmer (former lifeguard and competitive swimmer) so I usually feel secure with him nearby- especially with our kids. Well, he had our daughter who was about two years old in a life jacket and we were all past the breakers. My husband had to go to shore for a minute and he asked if I’d be okay with our daughter. I thought I should be fine, but I wasn’t excited about it. He handed her to me. Well, within a few moments he was out of the water and I was somehow closer to shore. Before I realized it, I got knocked over by a wave. Then the waves were crashing so hard, I couldn’t get up. With my big belly, I really needed two hands to get off the bottom, but I was holding our two year old daughter. And now, she was getting tossed by the waves and I could barely keep her above the water. It was awful. I freaked out and I was so thankful my husband was still within ear shot. My daughter was crying and I couldn’t help her. I yelled for my husband and he saw what was happening. He ran over and grabbed our daughter. Then I was able to get out. But I was totally shaken. It was so scary. It happened so fast. My husband was honestly a little baffled by how quickly we ended up in such a predicament and he wanted to understand what happened, but I couldn’t talk. I needed a few moments to breathe. I was quiet for a while and I sat on our blanket. Eventually my husband encouraged me to not let my fear of the water take over. He told me to try again. But I told him I wasn’t ready. I walked towards the water and sat down by myself. This fear of the water reminded me so much of my fear of childbirth. I started having a super real conversation with God about it all. This is how I felt about birth- a slight fear of drowning. What if I didn’t make it? What if I go under? What if my child is in trouble?

Eventually all these questions I had were surfacing and I needed peace.

As a Christian, I knew God had the answers and I felt like the Holy Spirit was gently prodding me to ask all of them. He would ask me…. So what happens then? It went something like this…

I’m afraid I’m going to be in pain for so long.
I’ll be with you. I’ll never leave you or forsake you. I’ll give you peace.

I’m afraid I’ll end up with another c- section after trying to have a vbac.
And then what?

I’ll be stuck recovering on my back again in pain and unable to answer my child’s cries.
I will provide for you and be with you. I will be your help in time of need.

I’m afraid something might go wrong during the vbac.
And then what?

I’m afraid…. I’m afraid I might die! Big sigh.
Melissa, and then what?

Then I’ll be with you. Relief flooded me. Oh.
And then what?

You’ll take care of Zach and the kids. Because that’s what you do.
Yes, Melissa. Follow your fears to the end of them - and I’m there. There is nothing to fear because you’re in my perfect love.

I was able to breathe again. I cried and then sobbed. I was so thankful. I had been carrying this weight for a long time. I thought back to when I first felt the fear of childbirth and I realized it started as a kid because of all the comments I heard about being so small. But I finally released it to the Lord. The God of the universe. I was in good hands.

I had a different outlook after that. I was ready to try for the vbac and I wasn’t afraid. I wrote down several scriptures that were an encouragement to me and I gave them to my husband to read to me during birth so I could be reminded of God’s promises.

Fast forward to November and it was baby time!!! We prepared for yet another trial of labor. However, this time, we induced at 39 weeks. Knowing baby was likely big, we didn’t wait for baby to come like I’d done with the other two. But when I say induction it’s not what most people think! It was the most gentle induction. With all the dietary aids and supplements that I was doing, my body was very ready at 39 weeks. So it didn’t take much priming! We did an outpatient foley tube the night before. I was already at 3cm when I got the foley tube. It was overall pretty great. Stephenia told me to take a Tylenol for the cramping and a Benadryl to sleep through it. So I did, and she was right. I slept right through the worst of the cramping and around midnight I woke up and the foley tube could come out. The cramping was over. Then she had me wake up early around 6:00 am to drink a special concoction for labor and I had to power walk to get the contractions going.

Our formal induction at the hospital didn’t start until 8;00am. Unfortunately, I had caught some cold virus and I was fighting some nasty congestion. I could tell my body was very tired so I laid down until it was time to go. I turned on my birth playlist which consisted of worship music and I started to cry. I was overwhelmed by the idea that I needed to give birth that day. I already felt weak in my physical body because of the virus I was fighting and I could not imagine having the strength to push a baby out. That’s when I felt the Holy Spirit speak so tenderly this verse, 

“my grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness. For when you are weak, I am strong.”

That was it! That’s what I needed. I said, “God, I do not have the strength to birth my baby today, but you do. Please give me your strength. Your supernatural strength.” And then my whole body relaxed because I knew that I couldn’t do this- but He could. And He would help me. Supernatural strength. Yes. I smiled and rested.

By the time I arrived at the hospital for my formal induction I was already dilated to 6cm. At that point, my midwife said the next step was to break my water to get things moving. I wasn’t thrilled about this knowing it would intensify labor, but I understood. She said that my water was like a balloon and baby was not going to engage in my pelvis without breaking the water because he just kept bouncing off the pelvis. This made sense to me. So after breaking my water, I went into active labor with intense contractions. In hindsight it was kind of funny for my husband. Before we broke my water we realized I had forgotten something at the hotel and he was going to run back and get it. (It was only a mile away). Stephenia asked me if I wanted to wait for him to come back before we broke the water. I told her “no” thinking that we should get everything started because in my experience labor takes all day! So when my husband came back and found me naked, breathing heavy, laboring through intense contractions, he was a bit shocked to see the progress that had been made. The midwife and nurses had me changing positions every 10 minutes so labor didn’t feel as bad. At one point though, I felt like I had reached my max. I had no more strength in me and I told Stephenia, listen- “I can’t go on like this much more. I need an epidural.” She discouraged me from getting one but I quickly forgot because shortly after that I started pushing. Pushing was so much easier! And I was surprised that we were already pushing!!! This baby was big though so I pushed for two hours trying to get him out! It took everything I had. But I was so encouraged. I literally felt like I was running a marathon and the support around me was incredible. I had two people holding my legs up and another midwife giving me counter pressure in my pelvis. It was amazing. I was acutely aware that I could not hold my legs up on my own anymore. They ached. We’d been doing this for almost two hours. And I was also very much aware of the help that I was receiving by the counter pressure. When each contraction was about to start, I’d try to tell them because I was desperate for their help. Stephenia kept coaching me in my breathing, pushing, positioning, etc. And she was an incredible cheerleader! I felt like I had a cheering squad at a sporting match. I was so thankful. Towards the end, two doctors came in the room, and there were nurses and both midwives were also present. I could tell by my midwife’s encouragement to push that there was an urgent need to get the baby out or we’d be dealing with a c-section. I pushed with all my might with every contraction. Then finally, there was one last push and I felt relief. The head came out and so did his body. They handed him to me and I cried. I was exceedingly grateful. But I had zero strength left. I could barely muster the words, “please help” when they handed me my son. I was afraid I would drop him. I had no strength in my arms to even hold him. So they held him to my chest as he quieted down and began to nurse. And I then realized I couldn’t see straight either. I had broken blood vessels while pushing so I just wanted to keep my eyes closed. I was so relieved that it was all over! I don’t remember much about the next couple hours because I felt so limp. But I do remember when my nurse told me I needed to try and use the bathroom. I remember asking her if it was really necessary. I had zero desire to move. I just wanted to lay there. It felt so good to not move. But she insisted so she helped me up and she put me in a wheelchair. Then she told me we had to move rooms and I was not excited about that either. I just wanted to rest. But rules are rules in the hospital and she gave me my son to hold as she was about to wheel me down the hallway. That’s when I really saw him. I remember saying, “my son” and I cried so hard. My son! God gave me a son! I was elated, overjoyed and incredibly thankful. It was hard, but on that beautiful day in November, God helped me birth my son and I was exceedingly grateful!

In the days that followed, I would occasionally find myself staring at my son in amazement. You did it, Lord. With your strength, you helped me overcome my fear of childbirth. And I saw it come to fruition. And I had a son! I listened to the song, “Promises” by Maverick City Music on repeat.

Time and time again
You have proven
You'll do just what You said

Though the storms may come
And the winds may blow, I'll remain steadfast
And let my heart learn when You speak a word
It will come to pass

Great is Your faithfulness to me
Great is Your faithfulness to me
From the rising sun to the setting same
I will praise Your name
Great is Your faithfulness to me

I put my faith in Jesus
My anchor to the ground
My hope and firm foundation
He'll never let me down

The overall recovery from my third baby was so much easier than recovering from my c-sections. And that is saying a lot, because I still had some trouble. Sadly, while I was in the hospital, one of the nurses without realizing it moved an ice pack and ripped my stitches. It was excruciating pain and at that point it was not customary to re-stitch. But this set me back. For a solid week I could not sit down. I had to stand up or lay down. This proved to be a struggle to nurse my little one. This experience sent me crying out to God for help once again. And I am so thankful that God answers those prayers! I received so much help in those days after our son was born. I think we had almost a full month of meals. Every other day someone was bringing us food - and it was usually more than enough for one meal. We were so loved and cared for by our friends, family and church family.

I was acutely aware that we wouldn't have been able to do this alone.

I am so thankful for the church community that rallies around those who need support. I remember one Sunday I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and I walked into our small room for nursing mommas. I sat down in a comfy rocking chair and told God I needed help. Immediately after getting the words out of my mouth, a lady named Jess walked in the room who doesn’t have babies and I wondered why she'd be in the nursing moms room. Surprisingly, she came to talk to me. I didn’t know her super well at the time so I was a little surprised. She just flat out told me that she felt like God told her to come and ask me if I needed help. I couldn’t hold back my tears and I quietly sobbed a little as I said, yes. I wasn’t even sure what I needed - but I knew I needed help. In the days to come, she showed up with meals, mopped my floors, read books to my girls and offered her encouragement. She truly encouraged me and more than anything else I was in awe of how the Lord answers our prayers with flesh on. He is so good I was so humbled by God’s tender care for me as his daughter.

I woke up one morning that next November and I felt so sick. What was happening? I was frustrated, I could barely function. Without much hesitation, I reached out to our community group from church. I asked if any of the ladies were free that day to help me with my kids. I felt so ill. Then I called my mom. As I described my symptoms, she looked at me via facetime and said,

“Melissa, those sound like diabetic symptoms. You need to get that checked out.”

Diabetic? Wait, I’m only a diabetic when I’m pregnant! I looked all over the house for a pregnancy test. I couldn’t find one. I ate some protein to help regulate my blood sugar and after a few hours, I mustered up all my energy to get three kids to walmart to get a test. Sure enough, it was positive. My friend Laura, whose children are grown, answered my plea for help and came over to help with my kids that day. She was the first person to find out we were expecting! I was so excited. FOUR KIDS?!?! I wasn’t expecting this. When I saw the positive test, I bowed my head, thanked God for this life and asked for help.

Circumstances had changed this time and I wasn’t able to go back to the same practice a couple hours away. I made an appointment at the University Hospital in our town knowing that they were the most vbac friendly place. As I parked my car for that first appointment, I remember feeling a peace that God would take care of me this time around. And furthermore, I felt like I was being sent to be an encouragement to those I met. I was thankful for this outlook, because without it, I would have been immediately frustrated. This place was unorganized. The wait times were sometimes hours and the level of care varied by the office staff. During the anatomy scan done at the second ultrasound, I found out that our baby’s brain had some holes in it. The ultrasound tech seemed totally unphased. She said it was on the early side to have an anatomy scan and that likely these holes would go away. She said they usually do. I asked her what these holes were a possible indicator of? She was hesitant to answer, but said they measure them just in case so they can keep an eye out since they are sometimes an indicator for Down syndrome. I understood.

I then met with the nurse practitioner and she explained the same thing, but was much more concerned. She asked if I wanted to speak with a genetic counselor. I declined. And she asked if I wanted to have genetic blood testing done. I declined that too. From what I understood, if our baby had Down’s syndrome, I wasn’t going to change one thing about our pregnancy. Then, while I was talking to the nurse practitioner, someone knocked on our door. It was the attending doctor. He wanted to know if I wanted to speak to a counselor and encouraged me to get the genetic blood test done. So, the NP came back in and asked me yet as again if I wanted these things done. No. I don’t. I was becoming more sure with each mention of the risk. I had a slight understanding that many genetic counseling discussions end with- do you want to abort this baby? And the thought of that infuriated me.

Needless to say, I was a bit frustrated with this practice, and I wanted to find another place. Surely, God wouldn’t want me there. So I looked around. I went to one practice and before even seeing the doctor I had zero peace. Then the doctor came in and told me that given my history of two c- sections they wouldn’t even let me try for a vaginal birth. She said if I did show up in labor, they would transfer me to the other hospital. All in all, the OB told me to go back to the University hospital. So I did. And as I did, I felt such a peace again. During this process, I reached out to Stephenia, the midwife who delivered Malachi and she said she’d help me again. I was thrilled. So we made a plan.

Given my history of big babies, both the OB and Stephenia felt that it was a good idea to induce at 39 weeks. However, this time, Stephania came to my house and helped me get into labor. On a Sunday night she checked me and I was 3cm dilated. She swept my membranes and we waited to see what would happen. I felt some cramping, but it eventually subsided. In the meantime, I got the best surprise! My sister flew across the country without me knowing to be there for my fourth baby! I was incredibly touched and thankful. The next morning I drank the midwives brew. I felt some cramping and some light contractions. We waited around and eventually I ate lunch. Around 12:30pm I started having contractions and at 1:00pm we prepared to head to the hospital. My water broke just as we were about to leave and the contractions then came with extreme intensity. My husband drove so fast and dropped us off at the front door. It was a long walk to labor and delivery. We found a wheelchair about halfway there. We blew through triage and were put in a room. About 20-30 minutes later, I felt the need to push. And Joshua was born at 2:31pm. He came so fast.

It was incredible! I couldn’t believe he was already here. I had so much energy and I was alert! “Yay! Thank God!” I cheered, over and over!

This birth felt so redemptive. So this is how it could be? No meds, no aftermath of the pain medicine and craziness! No catheters, etc. I was hardly swollen down there. Especially compared to the last birth! I was elated! My healing seemed to be coming right along.

I’ve been looking back at all my births because my midwife asked me to put into words my story. It’s been a journey. One that I’m happy to share. And one that I hope encourages others to trust Christ through the process. Even as I prepared for my fourth baby, I had some old fears creep in…

What if the pain is unbearable?
What if I end up with another c section?
What if I die?



But this time, I knew how to handle those fears. I spoke the truth of God’s word to myself. He won’t leave me or forsake me. I prayed. I told God my fears and I reminded myself that there is no fear in death when you’re in Christ. The only fear is the sin that causes death and separation from Christ. I meditated on this passage:

““O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭15‬:‭55‬-‭58‬ ‭ESV‬‬

I’m incredibly thankful to God for carrying me through and caring enough about me to set me free from fear. I’m so thankful to Stephenia for her passionate support of mommas wanting to give birth without fear. Without her expertise and care, I wouldn’t be where I am today. And I’m so so grateful for my husband who understood me and has walked with me through this journey. And for my mom who has shown up after every birth and cared for my little ones as I rested. Thank you to such an amazing community. It truly does take a village.

Statements to Live By

Kill the TV
The grass is always greener where you water it
Be the change you want to see
Produce don't just consume
Talk a walk
Embrace hardship because there is always a lesson and God is always ever closer
Eat Healthy
Listen and think
Be faithful
Take joy in the little things in life
Invest in relationships
Dance and laugh
Be outside

More to come...

Real Life Stories

My roommate and I were talking tonight about stories... all kinds.  I tend to talk a lot and tell stories when I'm in a good mood - and I've been in a great mood lately.  Probably because of her.  She cracks me up.  ALL the time!  Let me just give you a quick synopsis of our evening... we intended to get some homework done (we are both in grad school).  However, we watched two episodes of our favorite story... some old timey story about a teacher back in the early 1900's in a coal mining town.  :)  It's pretty much perfect. We competed at washing/drying the dishes together and laughed hysterically at far too many things. But then we got to talking about more important things.  Stories that really matter.  Love stories... of course!  What else is there?!?  (Kidding...well partially).

I shared the story about a girl named Janice who grew up around a guy named Matt.  They went to school together and they were great friends.  Matt had always pined for Janice, but Janice never saw him that way.  Matt pined for Janice so much that it was eating at him.  He knew he needed to get over her and move on, but he did something really beautiful. In his lowest moment he took all the Janice momentos and buried them... in her backyard.  He buried them by a tree so that he would know where to find them if he ever needed them again.

Well, wouldn't you know that one day, Janice saw Matt and she realized that everything had changed.  He was her match - she just hadn't seen it. So, the day before their wedding Matt dug up the box he had buried years before and he gave Janice all the letters that he had written for her.  The most beautiful part of the letters was that they started out addressed to his future wife, but as time grew on and the letters were more detailed, he addressed them to Janice. sigh. Now, that is some crazy awesome real life stuff. 

Seriously, who doesn't want to live like that?!?  That's what dreams are made of. Crazy living.  Bold.  Courageous. Heart wrenching. I mean, that takes guts.  Put your heart on the line.  Cry when it doesn't work out. Hope beyond what anyone else thought was possible - I mean why not?  I serve a God that is ALWAYS able.  And I think he totally delights in surprising us, because it brings him glory in the most beautiful way. 

So, my challenge to you.. my challenge to me: Live boldly.  Don't be afraid to invest your heart into that friend who you know before you get to know her will be moving in less than six months.  Go after that dream of owning a business and run it like a boss - because you can.  Treat marriage like the sacred covenant that it is... and don't let anyone including yourself steal away that precious gift that is meant for you and your spouse only. Love lavishly.  Give so much that you aren't sure where the next bill will be paid from. 

After telling my roommate about Matt & Janice she looked at me and said that there must be something in the water where I come from because apparently I am full of real life stories of people just like Matt and Janice who live boldly and reap the benefits of those dreams on a daily basis.  It's true.  I DO know people like that... a lot of them.  It's so much fun to live life with other really passionate people.  God can do so much through broken vessels who are willing to be used.  I also mentioned that people from Texas just have a cool motto:  Go big or go home!  Or at least that's my motto. 

If you're married, please do something so special to tell your spouse you love them.  If you are holding anything back from God, don't.  The only way to get closer to Him is by giving up another piece of yourself. And if you have been living in fear of something, let go of that fear, because there is only one worth fearing: God.  He made you, me, the heavens and everything else and believe it or not, he DOES care about our little needs.

When the world gives you lemons....

When the world gives you lemons, sometimes you say... thank you! 

My realization came with a beautiful song, let me share the lyrics with you.  :) I hope you get to enjoy it as much as I do....

I take all the gifts that You have given and I stake my claim like they're my own
Will you help me when I forget to remember the good I've got is Yours alone?

Oh 'cause I don't wanna tell some arrogant story or let myself believe I'm You
I don't wanna be a thief who's stealing Your glory
Will You help remind me of what is true
The only hope I've got
It's You, You
It's You, You

Why do I think I have anything to offer when You have overcome the world?
Couldn't take Your place cause You're the author of the greatest love this world has known

Oh and I don't wanna tell some arrogant story or let myself believe I'm You
I don't wanna be a thief who's stealing Your glory
Will You help remind me of what is true
The only hope I've got
It's You, You
It's You, You

Well, it's only by Your grace that I've heard You whisper my name
And I don't have the power to save, to change a heart
Won't You come and change my heart?

'Cause I don't wanna tell some arrogant story or let myself believe I'm You
I don't wanna be a thief who's stealing Your glory
Will You help remind me of what is true
The only hope I've got
It's You, You
It's You, You

Yeah it's You

I realized an important lesson just now. It has been a long time in coming, but I think its definitely a real piece of truth that I can take hold of. 

Have you ever been told you don't measure up?  Maybe you lost a job, got dumped by your girlfriend or fiancé, missed that big promotion, whatever...

Well, I've experienced some of these things lately, and it made me really question my worth.  For a while I was pretty upset.  How could they pass me up for the job?  Why would he choose that girl instead of me?  Etc.  I have been left to re-think some of my gifts, talents, beauty, worth, etc.  And well, lets face it...  I wanted to come out of the race with the first place prize - but I didn't. 

I was listening to this song tonight by Ellie Holcomb and I am so glad for her insight, because for the first time I have been able to look at my circumstances and see the truth.  I have been arrogant.  I needed to be kicked off my horse to remember that I am not the best thing since sliced bread.  I am not the smartest person in the room or the prettiest woman out there.  I am not the most gracious person with more to offer than God does. 

I mean I don't really want to admit it, but I have to face it: I needed to be told that the only hope I've got in this world is God - not anything that I have or done.  So, thank you kind sir for not choosing me. And thank you lady for passing me over for the job.  The only good things I have in this world are from Christ.  I am not him - and the moment I think I can fulfill the price that he paid, please, knock me off my horse again.  Pride is an ugly thing - its sin - and it separates us from Christ.

I was recently reading in Numbers 16 from the Bible and I was skimming over the story about some group of people that were upset with leadership and they wanted some equality.  At this point, I became a little more interested in the story and I thought, "Oh good, some people I can actually relate to" -  I wasn't really sure as to why they were upset with the leadership, but it sounded like they probably had a legitimate reason since they were described as "people of renown"  - and they apparently represented a lot of people.  I figured that had to equate to down to earth folks who would only make reasonable demands.

About the time that I realized I was connected with these people, God got angry with them and caused the earth to swallow them up.  At that moment my eyes got really big and I realized I've got some big problems here... I just identified with the people who God was so angry with that he sent them straight to hell while they were still living.  So , needless to say, I was disturbed.  How have I gotten so off base that I just connected with the people in the story who were totally condemned to hell and made a spectacle of?!?! 

Well, I think its easy.  It starts with just a small amount of pride and then it takes over your life and you want to be better than God.  You forget that the only hope you have in this world comes from the gift that Jesus Christ gave you by sacrificing his life for yours.  And you remind yourself that you could never be good enough - we are only saved my grace.  Life is a gift.  Every good thing we receive is a gift. 

Thank you Jesus for the lemons that you gave me.  They are a true gift.  Change my heart and please help me to remember that every gift I am given is only because you are good. 

A new horizon

What a journey it has been thus far!  Update time... : )


So, I started training my wonderful and beautiful replacement at work about 2 months ago...  it's amazing that much time has already passed.  We had such a blast!!!  (I believe we are guilty of listening to too much "call me maybe" and the pbj song!)  lol.  : )  good times.  In all seriousness this entire journey has been completely and divinely orchestrated.  I prayed fervently for the PERFECT person to take my place and God did more than answer my prayer.  I love it!!!

I was then tasked with saying goodbye to so many dearly loved co-workers and friends.  What an incredible season of life I had in T-town.  I am utterly grateful.  Many of the people that I knew were not friends to me, because they felt so much like family.  : )  And I miss the young family that I stayed with during the last month there after my apartment lease was up.  They are so precious!


I took a week after I resigned to visit family and So, I hope you enjoy my many pictures to accompany this post.  Life is so different today than it was a month ago.  I have officially settled in and done every "settling in thing" you can think of.  Haha... including, I am proud new owner of a library card... I feel a little bit nerdy that getting my library card was on my list of things to get done here.

So... about this new place.  I love it!!!  I frequent the beach about once a day or every other day to get a good walk or run in.  I have to admit though that I haven't actually gone in the water past my ankles.  : )  I think it has something to do with he fact that I  am not sure what is in the water and the only way I can overlook that fact is when I am with friends, and to date I have not yet been with anyone else when I am by the water.  Although, I am soooo hoping to meet some fabulous friend that will teach me how to surf.  I mean, I didn't come to the beach for nothing.  : )

On another front, I LOVE the family that I am staying with.  They are super funny and God's perfect gift to me during this season.  The wife has yet to let me think of the fact that this was a hard move because she has kept me so busy and on my toes - which I am so grateful for.  She has become my personal tour guide as well.  Every where we go I get the full history of everything!  For those who know me, know that I love to know the background and have an understanding of the history in any area, so I am loving that.

Also, for those who are worried, I have in fact made a couple friends, praise the Lord!  I have enjoyed getting to know several different people here.  My very first day I ran into a girl that I had met about a year ago...  now you know that is God - since I knew a total of 7 people in this city of a half of a million and she happened to be one of those 7.  I was excited to re-connect with her.

I must say that I have looked back and I can completely see God's hand in my life all the way here.  There are things that were so precious to me that God started putting on my heart over a year ago and I had no idea that it was for this season.  :)  I believe God is so faithful like that and it only goes to prove to me that He loves us each so deeply.  I can definitely say that I KNOW I am supposed to be here right now.

Some of you may not know, but I decided to postpone school for a year in order to work at a place here that would allow me to take advantage of the tuition benefits at some of the different organizations.  It was not easy to let go of that, but I realize that God's plan for our lives doesn't always look like our plan.  I know that if I was supposed to be in school this year, I would have been.  However, God has another way.

In matters of fun, I have to report that I volunteered for a fundraising event the first Saturday I was here and I was given the awesome task of supervising the bounce house for kids.  It was perfect.  I love that kids are so easy to get along with and talk to.  It also gave me a wonderful opportunity to connect with the youth here.  Speaking of the youth, they are planning to take a white water rafting trip and they didn't have a Female Sponsor yet.  They begged everyone they could to try and go, but came up short, so I let them "twist my arm" and I am officially going to be the female sponsor for an overnight camping and white water rafting trip.  Haha - I am SO stoked!!!  Can I just say, that God really loves me - because that is so up my alley.

As for the job search front, it has been quite interesting.  I interviewed to be the president's assistant at the University that I want to attend, but I quickly realized that I could not do the job and go to school - because it would be so demanding.  Duh, Me.  At least I realized it now.  So, I am networking with a few people who work at other organizations that give you a break on tuition and I will get back to you with a good report here shortly.  : )

Also, for those of you curious readers, I have not yet met Mr. Right here.  I am still waiting for him to come and find me and sweep me off my feet.  : )  Although I will say, that I have an advocate who is more than willing to play cupid for me.  The wife of the family I am staying with is convinced I am here to meet my husband and that she is to play a part in that role.  lol.  I never really know how to respond to her though when she says it because well, I just don't know.   I am confident God is way better than cupid.  : )

OH!!!  I have to tell one of my favorite stories from here so far...  during my supervisory role of the bounce house I met a little girl with precious red hair.  She is extremely petite for her age - clinically so. Her mom is aware of the problem and they are working with the doctors to try and get her to a normal body weight.  I watched her eat several chicken legs at the fundraiser and I couldn't help but fall in love with this little girl who was obviously happy to be eating chicken and proud that she had finished off 3 bones!  While savoring her chicken she looked intently across the table at me and smiled big, "I really like your skinny arms."   She melted me heart!  I am sure she felt some kind of comraderie in our petiteness. : )

Well, that is it for now.  I was able to get all of this typed because I foolishly drank a frappucino at 8:00pm... bad idea!

A Broken Blender and the Coordinating Genius

Its a good day to be reflective.  I am thankful for real friends.  Here are a few accounts from today:

- Woke up before church with plenty of time to read, pray, shower and eat a great breakfast I had planned.  Well, my plan was thwarted when I got the single cup blender stuck and I couldn't get it to stop.  (It's the kind of blender that you turn the cup (single serve) and it turns on.  You turn the cup the other direction and it turns off... well it got stuck and I couldn't turn it off.  So, I unplugged it.  Then for about 15 minutes I tried to twist the cup out of the blender, but with no success whatsoever.  It was quite frustrating.  My roommate was gone and I needed someone strong - reality even if she was home, I don't think it would have helped.  It has happened before to her and she had to get some strong guy to help her.

Well... my blender as random as it is left me with a good reminder that I need people in my life.  I was thankful I had connect group and I took the blender, smoothie and cup still attached over to my pastors house and her husband untwisted it for me and wouldn't you know it came undone immediately on the first try with no apparent effort... :/  I was not about to tell him that I had tried for 15 minutes, prayed for strength like Samson, and hurt my arm in the process... oh brother!  I guess it also served as a reminder that I need to work out some and beef up my arms!  lol.

- I went shopping yesterday and bought a bunch of shorts, because I have had some great friends and help me go through my closet and I got rid of a lot of clothes.  It is amazing what a second perspective can do for you.  I have always been petite and struggled to find clothes that fit me just right.  But it was good to have a friend there to tell me that "you look like a middle schooler with that shirt!"  Hello, thank you wake up call.  : ) Real friends= priceless.

----

Well, I fell asleep writing the last section, but I 'd love to add my thoughts from today:

We had a small girls night of worship at church for the young women tonight.  It was SO refreshing.  I love nights like these so much!  In God's presence everything seems to take on a whole new perspective.  All of a sudden, I just have this incredible peace that everything is going to work out in my future and I gain a special confidence about life that I didn't have before - only God can do that.  And He does it because I got my eyes off of myself and when I am looking at Him all I can see is His faithfulness.

Great verse for the week:  Acts 17:26

"From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live."

I read this verse this past week and it jumped off the page to me.  God is the intricate planner.  He has determined the exact places and time we are to live in and He set it all up before the beginning of time.  It is so comforting to know that the coordinating genius of Heaven has planned my future.  : )

I love Him!

Roller Coaster

Life seems like a roller coaster at times.  At least it does when I am making big decisions.  I visited my new home last weekend, God willing of course.  (I've been learning to carefully choose my words as the book of James recommends.  Our plans are only good if it is in God's will.)

I certainly enjoyed my trip to the East Coast.  I had several prayer requests, and God was faithful to answer all of them. Some days I look around and I'm simply shocked at how God answers my prayers.  I am so grateful.  I've just been given so much - and then some.

So, it looks like I will have a place to stay in a nice condo on the beach with a wonderful, hospitable family.  : )  Who can complain about that?  haha.  I am still overwhelmed at their generosity.  I also found a church home and I think I'm really going to like it.  The people are friendly, the doctrine is sound, they are vibrant and alive.  : )  I also have a friend there already.  We went to school together and she is great.  She is one of those friends that you know you can count on, you definitely trust, she knows the real you,  and you think alike. I am so blessed to know that she will be there for my first two years.  I don't think I ever imagined that I would be so set up before I ever got there.   The husband of the couple that I have connected with called me when I returned to work on Monday and left me the nicest voicemail.  I feel so taken care of.

I am so thankful.  Looking back on everything, I sometimes just wonder, why is everything in my life so easy?  I mean, granted law school is not going to be easy, and the LSAT wasn't easy, and having the faith to move in a direction when all the pieces aren't in place (namely thousands of dollars)- that may not be easy, but one thing is for sure....  I felt like I should move in a certain direction toward law school and God has been clearly aligning my steps ever since then.  I got the score I needed on the LSAT, I got into school, I have a place to live, I have a church, I have friends, I have a mom and a dad type figure looking out for me and I have been given favor with the professors at the law school and my immediate family is totally supportive although I am going to miss them greatly.  What more could I ask for?  Oh, and did I mention that I have also been offered a place to work my second year with the organization of my dreams.  Yeah, I think my steps are aligned.

So, with all of that I found myself thinking...  why am I so blessed?  I have come up with two thoughts.  First one takes me back to a day back in June of last year when I was contemplating just how blessed I am ... and the verse in Corinthians rang loud and clear in my spirit... "to whom much is given, much is required and they must prove faithful."  I pray that I will prove faithful.

The other thought is from a conversation with my mom earlier this week... she told me that I need to thank my grandma because she isn't doing well, but I need to let her know that my moving and pursuing these dreams is in large part of her prayers.  Mom told me that she used to watch Pat Robertson on the 700 club and give to the American Center for Law and Justice. She prayed for me and this was so dear to her heart.  My mom gently reminded me that I am thriving like I am because of the prayers of people I may not even know... ( Which I know is true because my mom always has her connect group praying for me and I haven't even met those ladies).  I love the body of Christ.  This also challenges me... who am I praying for?  Prayer is so powerful.

Thank you Lord for your goodness.  Help me to be faithful and a light in this new City and thank you for going before me to pave the way.

God,

There aren't words for how good you are.  Sometimes I just feel like you're the dad gently holding my hand and leading me through a busy crowd, and I walk a step behind you hand in hand, fully trusting - completely knowing that you are taking care of me.  Just as a little girl feels so safe as long as her daddy is right by her side, thats how I feel.

Well, I just got a text from my boss and he asked me about the scholarships... which is what I told him I was waiting on.  So, I knew he wanted to ask if I had made my decision.  Well, I have.  : )  I am going. Lord, help me to keep my hand firmly in yours and help me as I find it hard to trust the rest...  The last piece of it all is the rest of my tuition money.  Father, please help me.  Thank you for being faithful all the way to the end.

Back to the roller coaster....

Why does life seem so lonely sometimes?  I think its because you've tasted the real thing and you're hungry for the real deal... Heaven.  God I kinda feel like that right now.  I find myself craving what can only be satisfied by you.  I look forward to Heaven - my true home.  Come Lord Jesus, come.  I want to be with you.

Amen.

Miracle of Life

Oooh! I am so excited to write tonight!!! I am full of joy! My dear and beautiful friend had her first little girl today! I am so excited for her I could just pop! It's funny how even though you know an event is coming and you anticipate it and all that might come with it, you truly have no idea sometimes the emotion that will also come. That was definitely true for me today.

The doctor decided to induce Janine today at 6:00am. She had the baby at 1:00pm. It has been so hard because I don't live in the same city as this dear couple anymore. They moved earlier this year to a city close to my family. And actually, they spent Christmas Day with my family which was super special.

So, I got the texts at 1:00 that the baby was coming and had arrived. I sat there just staring at my phone wishing I could have more information. I wanted to know how big the baby was, if the baby was healthy, if my dear friend was okay, if she had hard labor and so on and so forth. Ya, I was a wreck. It was a good thing there wasn't a lot happening at work, because I wasn't much use.

I think I had a similar reaction when my friend Mitzi had her second baby. I was so excited I couldn't even think straight. haha. Of course, that delivery was a bit different especially considering the fact that she had the baby at home in the room next to me. I was there when we were calling 911 because the baby came so early. But I remember cleaning up the house and taking care of their oldest son and then heading to work like it was a normal day, but it was ANYTHING but normal. I shared with my boss at the time what had happened and he politely congratulated my friend... but he didn't quite get it. It wasn't till he came back to my desk a couple hours later and realized I was stargazing. I continued to tell him how amazing the birth was and it was then that he understood that my friend had her baby at home and I had been awake since 4:00am trying to figure out what to do. It was such a beautiful thing. He eventually saw the writing on the wall and gave me a half day, which I excitedly received as I bounded out of the office and into the store to buy more baby paraphenalia. (not that she needed it, but I had to do something.) I went baby shopping, then home to cook some meals, and just glowed with the excitement of a new life entering the world.

Today was similar. Expect I couldn't go to the hospital, but I desperately wanted to surprise my friend and clean her house, and bake meals, and buy gifts etc. etc. It's amazing what kicks in when you're a woman. It's like this maternal instinct takes over and you don't even realize it. :) I so wish I could have been there today. I just love the miracle of life. And I know that she has wonderful family there to help her but I truly just wanted to show up and shower her with gifts. I guess thats why women have baby "showers" and wedding "showers". We just love blessing our friends and family with showers. It is such a blessing to be a part of so many lives and rejoice and celebrate with them when God does amazing things in their lives. I feel truly blessed as I have had the opportunity to rejoice with so many friends as they have entered the season of marriage and now motherhood. How beautiful!!!

Thank you Lord for your life that you gave to us and thank you for celebrating each new life as it is also given to us. I bless your name!

Sneak Preview

So, I boarded a plane last weekend and headed to the East Coast. It was a delight. I have never anticipated a trip as much as this one.

I must say, I was stoked to land in Virginia, but I was met with my first challenge before I left the airport. I found the desk to rent a car and they pulled up my reservation and handed me the keys to a crown victoria. I laughed, but then I realized they were serious. So, I headed out to the garage and gave them my paperwork. The lady at that counter said, "Thats a big car for a small girl." I thought, "Uh, yeah...maybe she'll see this is about to be a big mistake." But she didn't change it. So, I coaxed myself and thought it can't be that bad, besides I have my pillow in my bag, so if worse comes to worse I can sit on that. It was wishful thinking. The car had to be the biggest on the lot. It stuck out at least a 1/4 more than all the others. But, I tried to look on the bright side... most people would be thrilled to have a large luxury car like this for 15.00 bucks a day. But after loading up my stuff in the trunk and checking out how bad it would be I realized this is not happening. Not only could I barely reach the pedal when it was all the way forward, the seat did not move up at all! I was doomed. My eyes literally hit the top of the steering wheel, which was only half way up on the dash.

So, I marched back to the lady at the counter who told me I was small and I calmly let her know that for the safety of myself and the vehicle I would appreciate if they could find anything smaller for me. I reassured her I did NOT need a luxury vehicle and I would be pleased as punch to be in their smallest vehicle. Thankfully, she understood and obliged. : )

---

I was visiting my first law school. (Pretty much the only one I'm interested in attending). But it was more than just a law school visit to me. I was expecting God to speak in an amazing way. For a couple months I debated back and forth about visiting the school in the spring or fall, but after much time, I knew God was calling me to visit in November. It made much more practical sense to wait until the spring, but I know better than do what I think is right as opposed to being obedient.

So, in my obedience I took off for four days to a place I have always wanted to live. I was full of so much anticipation. The weekend turned out to be a lot of what I expected and nothing of what I expected all at the same time. The school was a amazing. It became very clear very quickly that I want to go there. I have never seen an organization operate with so much excellence.

RABBIT TRAIL/SIDE NOTE: I have to laugh here because I definitely did not expect the Preview Weekend at Regent to be anything like my undergrad college weekends, but I definitely didn't expect this. Imagine undergrad, you are met with a bunch of hyper screaming students all wearing color coordinated T-shirts and dancing to loud music while vibrantly welcoming you to their school. Now fast forward to Preview weekend at Regent University (which is mainly a graduate school) and I am met with a bell boy at the University's 4 star hotel. Talk about a clash of worlds. haha. I almost didn't know what to do. I was glad that I was by myself and I could just be calm and quiet and blend in so as not to make a scene. lol.

(To the left is a picture of the Founders Inn. It was the 4 star hotel on campus. I felt like I was in English Gardens when I walked outside.) It was cute. The bell boy fit right in. : )

Back to the story, I quickly found out why I liked Regent so much. One of the first things I did after arriving on campus was meet with the International law professor. It was an incredible meeting. The dear sweet woman that I met with was someone I will probably never forget. You could see in the lines on her face her compassion and care towards God's people... especially to those that society has forgotten. She had so much passion and it is obvious that she has given her life to this calling. She told me a story about God speaking to her in regards to human trafficking and she was reminded of the song "Onward Christian Soldiers." This is the song that she hears playing in her head as she studies the law and fights for the freedom of children who have no other voice. I was sincerely blessed by this meeting. The best part was that she told me that no matter what school I go to, she would only ever be an e-mail away. And she encouraged me that whatever law school received me would be blessed because of my desire to help the poor and the needy. She then threatened me that if I did choose Regent and I didn't come visit her within the first week, that she'd hunt me down. : ) Yeah, I like her. She also gave me some wisdom regarding scholarships. Overall, it was a great meeting and I walked away thanking God for his favor.

I didn't have much time to look around the campus until Saturday, because our time was packed with activities. I had the opportunity to hear from the chancellor of the school and hear the vision from him, heard the current president speak, had dinner with the dean of the law school, met several professors, talked with current students, alumni, and staff. It was great. I seriously could not think of any other questions to ask. I mean not only had I looked this school up before I came, but I had pretty much read their website 4 or 5 times, called the school with questions, e-mailed and spoken with current students before coming. So, I got the overview. :)

But here are some pictures that I finally got to take on Saturday with my iphone. Unfortunately, I was planning to bring my mom's sweet camera just to take some fun shots, but she forgot it, then my camera ran out of batteries, so this was all I got...

I have to admit on one hand, I didn't expect to have this question, but when I got there it wasn't even a matter of which law school, it was a question of is this really what you want me to do Lord? I can tell just by everything that I have learned that law school is super intense and a major commitment of time, money and family. It's that last one which I find hard to cope with. It will be very difficult to leave everyone I know to come to a place I've never lived and not have the time to develop friendships because I have to dive into law school. But, God and I had a lot of time over the weekend to work this out. Basically, I surrendered and said yes. All of my hours of free time turned out to be a great blessing because it gave me a lot of time to pray and process over the weekend.

During one of the sessions the admissions director told us about one of the professors who I had the opportunity to meet at lunch just after hearing the story. Apparently this professor has 8 kids. (some of his own, some adopted, some foster kids), but with every new class that he has he lets his students know that if they have an unplanned pregnancy or know of someone who has an unplanned pregnancy and they are thinking of aborting the child he told them that there is always room for one more at his home. Wow. So beautiful. I know that's how we are supposed to live our lives and I couldn't help but think... I want to be around you. I told my mom this story later as I was standing outside that building there and I just choked up. I love it when the church looks like Jesus. : ) When I did get a chance to meet this man all I could see was his humility and love for people. Awesome. So much of this trip was like this story... it was full of unexpected blessings and surprises. I later told God in prayer... "I saw you this weekend. I mean literally saw you, because you were so alive in some of the people that I met."

As far as Regent goes, I was totally impressed by the caliber of the teachers, the heart of the university, the vision for the future, the family feeling from the students, faculty, staff and everyone I met. I was convinced it was a special place. I know that even though I'd be 24 hours away from family and friends, I would be okay.

I am excited to say, that I made it to the beach while I was there. I will be honest, I wasn't expecting too much because its so cold, but I at least wanted to see it and walk along the boardwalk. Unfortunately, because it was November all the little establishments were closed and it felt a little erie... but oh well. I am sure it would be nice to go there in the summer. It's so weird being in a new place because you don't know where the "safe" places to go are. I kinda hate that. I am so blessed to be in a city where I know so many people and I know the area.

Isn't this a funny picture? lol... When I saw this I thought of ORU and I felt right at home. They need one of these signs for sure!

So, the very best part of the trip was Sunday. I love how God brings absolute divine connections along our paths. I met up with a family there that was great. I met them at church and then we went to lunch together. They were super busy, but I felt really special because I knew they made time to sit down and have lunch with me that day. I know that connecting with them will be a huge answer to my prayers. I also really liked their church. I am excited because I was praying that I would find a church. I had in my heart that I wanted to attend a small, but vibrant church. I would say that they are definitely that... small but certainly alive. It was kinda funny because it felt a little bit like the beach bum's church. : ) For one, they are really close to the beach, and two, it was really casual. The young adults pastor got up to say a few words and he was wearing a beanie, a plaid shirt and some skinny jeans on a sunday morning. Yeah, somehow, that just screams my culture! lol. I love their heart and I'm excited to get to know some of the people.

So, in a nutshell, that was my trip. I look forward to what God has in store for the future. He certainly spoke clearly to me and I'm so thankful for that.

I will say, that due to this trip, I came home and realized just how blessed I am. I have so many wonderful people here that I will miss dearly, but I also know that I have to follow God where He is leading me, and I very clearly feel like this is it. God is so good, and he is so faithful. I never want to be on a path that He hasn't already led me in.

In my opinion a rich life is one that is surrounded by people who love them. So, I would consider myself rich.

I am reminded though of a word that I felt heavy on my heart back in June of this year when everything was coming together... that is "to whom much is given, much is required." I have been given oh so much, and I know that I am so loved, but there are so many who have never known HIS love. I want to give that love. I want to be a voice for those who don't have a voice.

Sometimes when I ask myself, is this what I am to do... I can't help but think. I don't need a special mandate. I have already been given one: Care for the orphan and the widow, give unto the least of these, feed me, clothe me, defend the cause of the poor and the needy, bring freedom for the captive. Yes. I have been called.

The Oasis Motel

It's amazing when you choose to be obedient....

So my latest adventure brought me to the Oasis Motel...  not a place that I had ever been before, but I now have fond memories of that small motel with the neon sign.

A group of friends and I began meeting on Friday nights to get together with the intent of being God's hands and feet.  So, last night we met at Vijay's apartment and prayed together for a while.  We sat in God's presence for a good while just "soaking" in his peace.  Then after a while we piled in a car and headed to downtown, the area we felt we were supposed to go. We prayed that God would lead us to exactly who He wanted.  We drove around downtown a little bit and ended up parking at the Day Center for the homeless.  There weren't many people there, but we parked and got out.

 We came upon three people just standing outside and they did not look like they wanted to talk, but Vijay introduced himself and asked what they were doing.  I offered some homeade brownies that I had made, but they declined.  We quickly found out that this was a family and they told us they were in "transition" and they also warmed up to us when they realized we just wanted to help.  They eventually ate some of the brownies and shared their full story.  Their 13 year old daughter was standing there with them and we found at that she just got registered for school at Central.  My heart went out to Caitlin.  I can't imagine so much uncertainty for a 13 year old.

I have to admit that once I heard their story and saw them at their vulnerable state, all my defenses came down too.  I wanted to help, really help.  All week I had that scripture in my head, "Lord, when did I give you something to eat?  When you gave it unto the least of these, you gave to me".  I felt like I had heard God say all week to me, "Melissa, love me.  Feed me, clothe me."

So, we found out that this family's greatest need was formula for their babies.  They had two little babies, Caleb and Alexis. They were 1 yr old twins.  We got to see them.  It's so hard to take a step back and look at this family standing on the curb of the day center with about 7 duffle bags full of stuff. .. It was all they had.  They weren't allowed to stay at the homeless shelter because you are only allowed to have one bag per person.  So, when we encountered Creed and Karis they were waiting for a ride because they were going to get a cheap motel that night.  They had found a ride with someone who had an SUV to carry all their stuff and take them to their motel.

We met the family at their motel and prayed with them and met a small need of formula for the babies.  The family was just completely overwhelmed and encouraged, and so were we.   I love just being open to God and allowing Him to use us in any way.  I pray that this beautiful family is taken care of in every way.  We heard more about their plans and I pray that their future is secure...  and with God I believe it will be.

Full of Surprises

Today has been a beautiful day.  It was one of those days that was full of surprises... the kind of surprises that bring such joy to your heart.

I was asked by one of my old professors to speak to his class.  I was honored that he would ask me.  So, today was the day.  I was able to wrap up things nicely at work and move on... then I received the phone call that I was going to get a rental car [surprise #1]... (this was a true blessing b/c a lady wrecked my car a week ago when she wasn't paying attention).  I have been without a car of my own for a week.  So, this was good news.

As I was driving over to my old University I was praying and thinking about what I needed to share with them.  I thought about what stuck out to me the most when I was at school...  and I remember that one of my favorite parts of sitting in class at ORU was when the professors would speak vision and believe in us to change the world... and they gave practical examples.

So, I was excited to share with this class.  I am not used to speaking in front of groups of people... sometimes I do great, other times I bomb it... but today went surprisingly good.  The students seemed to be engaged, but more than anything I was excited that I didn't get nervous and I was fully myself.  I passionately spoke about what God has placed in my heart.

I love serving the Almighty God who loves us and has a "New Earth" in store for us someday.  I can't wait to see it and be a part of it.  But, in the mean time, I look forward to bringing his Kingdom to this earth.  Come Lord Jesus, come.  And help us to be ready.

So... after my great and humbling experience (humbling because the class graciously prayed over me when I was done talking) [surprise #2] in sharing my journey with the students thus far, I drove by a fellow RA on campus who I served with in the program.  I honked obnoxiously until we both got out on some side road to find out that we were both at school for the same reason...  so we then went out for smoothies since we both had a couple hours to spare.  [surprise #3]

I was super encouraged by our conversation.  This woman of God has entered into the army and is leading so many to the Lord.  Her shining light of purity is evident for all to see and I know that she is impacting lives for the kingdom.  Her life is such a blessing to me.

SIDE NOTE: You have no idea who you are encouraging with your life, by simply living for God unashamedly.  This beautiful friend of mine is such an encouragement because she is living her life in fear of God.  She boldly stands for purity in a place where so many don't understand why she chooses to honor God.... but its so worth it.   ::Keep it up Christie!!!!!::

So, then I am waiting on a ride from the rental car company to pick me up and guess who comes to my rescue from the heat... yeah, thats right, the lady picking me up from the rental car company happens to be a good friend of mine who served with me on a missions trip with the 8th grade girls this past spring break.  I was SOO excited to see her behind the wheel.  [Surprise #4 ]

After my smoothie chat with Christie I ran home to get ready for a wedding.  (Which I will note I got ready in record time).  The wedding was beautiful, complete with a surprise music video for the groom. The groom wept as his new wife sang to him and poured out her love.  It was precious.

At the wedding I ran into a lady who works in the same office building as me.  We talked about the LSAT and she informed me that she was also planning to take it in December.  She suggested we study together, which I thought was a good idea.   But... have you ever met someone and thought, I wonder if we could be study buddies.  I mean.... is this lady out of my league, or what.  Well, it turns out in this case that she is WAY OUT OF MY LEAGUE!!!  She confessed that she scored in the 97th percentile on the test when she took it years ago, and recently she was upset because she took it and she only made it into the 88th percentile.  I was shocked.  I would love to have that score.

THEN...  she proceeds to tell me that she actually used to teach the test!!!  I couldn't believe it!  She is an  incredibly resource! [surprise #5]  All I can say is WOW God!  haha, I love your ways!  Here's to a happy girl!  I am overwhelmed by God's goodness.

This week I truly questioned my future and what I needed to do, but daily God has confirmed for me that I am doing what he wants me to.  ::Sigh::

I looked around all day and thought to myself, if God ever takes me away from this City I will truly miss it and all the wonderful people in it.  I absolutely love running into people I know especially when there are half of a million people in the city, and it happens SO often!  I mean what are the odds that I go throughout my day not planning to see anyone I really know and I run into SO many good friends. :)  Loving life.  Thank you God.

The Soldier

I recently found a note I wrote about some thoughts I had over a lunch break while sitting under a tree downtown watching people go by... I thought it interesting that God put this on my heart back then, and I just now found it because he has placed similar things on my heart again.

---Originally written on 8/6/10---

We're in a battle but don't know it. I can hear the battle cry, I see the casualties. I remember smalll glimpses here and there of forewarnings, but we're here. There are two battles that I am talking about. And the one foreshadows the other in such a glaring way. Our nation is at war, yet I never think about it - I don't see the blood, I'm not affected. I know and have the knowledge that people are really dying - and their families are suffering a great deal, but honestly I don't think about it too often. I only hear rumors. People say war is waging... but I don't hear it. It's so far away. Is it real? Others say, who cares...why are really fighting anyway? We have an enemy blatantly calling out our name yelling, "American, you christian...yes you... I hate you and I will kill you, but I won't stop there. I will teach my people, my children and their children to kill and hate you." - I see that... sort of, but its voice just isn't loud in my life... so I move on in my life.

This parallel to the greater battle going on is all too simialr. We are in a war, people are dying- I see the living dead all around me; those walking around with targets on their foreheads, myself included, yet the voice just doesn't seem to be very loud... so I move on with my life.

There is another person in the first battle worth mentioning... the soldier. The soldier is fully alert and attentive to the war being waged around him. He in fact heard about the war - and became alarmed. But he didn't stop there. He dressed for war and got involved. He became engaged. He knew that what he was hearing, even though he didn't see it, was true. He believed and knew in his heart that he was called to fight, not just for himself, but his children and their children. The soldier never allowed himself to fall asleep. He took up his responsibility and he did that because he was called and he knew it. In a soldier's mind he makes a decision to fight, but only because he already knows that he has greatness to give. He knows he is needed... and knows that there will be a battle lost if he doesn't fully engage.

2 Corinthians 10:3-7

Be fully alert and fully engage.